Let me start by saying I am no parenting guru. I am not anything of an expert. I was never formally educated in child development or child rearing or anything of the kind. I am simply a mother of two kids. My children are not angels but I have never had a complaint about their behavior. My husband and I try to instill manners, respect and following the rules in our children. But, I’ve noticed a theme going on lately with other children my kids deal with at school and in the playground. I wonder what on earth my kids will be dealing with when they start dating these kids, working with them and running the world with them. In 10-15 years will these kids be better behaved and controlled? I am scared to death!
As a mother of two I have made some of the same mistakes I am about to ridicule others for. I have given my kids exactly what they wanted when they wanted it many times even though I know I shouldn’t have. I have had many occasions when both children were crying or needed my attention and just to get through the moment it was easier to just give in and give them both whatever they wanted just so I didn’t have to fight them anymore. I’ve been there when it is easier to give in to their demands rather than fight because it has been a long day or I am tired or I just have lost my last bit of patience. I am not perfect but overall the rules are the rules with me and my husband. Everyone has a bad day. But there is a problem when a parent cannot just say no. Ever!
As working parents we are all overtired, overworked, underpaid and this is just the ones of us who stay at home full time with our kids. Those of you who work and have children, I have tried it part time and know what it can be like. But, isn’t it our job to raise well mannered, well behaved, responsible children? If we never say no to them now and teach them that the world does not revolve around them when they are young I imagine that they are going to be in for a rude awakening when they get out into the real world. The world does not revolve around them. You cannot do something wrong and not pay the consequences. OK, sometimes you can, but eventually it catches up to you. It always does.
So, I was around a child today who simply is never told “no”. OK, I take that back, she may initially be told no, but eventually yes is negotiated. When she wants candy, mommy may say no at first but eventually with enough begging, pleading or the right amount of please, please, please (yes, even using her manners) eventually the candy is delivered and the child has won the battle. How about using mom’s cell phone? “No, go play with your friend.” But, soon the technology demand is met and the child wins again. And, bad behavior to other children is simply met with a “stop that” and no real consequence or follow through on a punishment is ever handed down.
Does it get easier to say no to your kids when they get older? I cannot say for sure because my children are only 8 and 10 but my guess is probably not. My daughter, the 8 year old can negotiate her way through any “no”. She will make a great lawyer one day. But, if they are already convincing you at a young age to give in to their demands, what makes you think you will be able to say no to them at 15? We tell ourselves they get great grades in school, their teachers say they are well behaved so we must be doing a great job.
I would love to think my case today was an exception rather than the rule, but it seems to be more of the norm than we all would like to admit. Look at how our kids are being handled in school, for example. Do you want to know why they behave in school? I know I never got as much candy as a kid as my children do but school is like a candy store. My kids have been bribed at school from pre-school up to 4th grade so far. If they behave or do what they are supposed to they may get an M&M for just sitting and listening properly. Sometimes they may get a cookie for cleaning up their classroom toys. And yes, this is true, my kid has even gotten a whole box of Nerds for walking in the hallways without talking. What happened to doing things because it is what you are supposed to do, or that it is the right thing to do? Do we as adults get rewarded every time we make our bed, wash our dishes, or cook our families’ dinner? Then why are our kids rewarded every time they sit quietly at circle time? What about if they play a sport? Everyone gets a trophy whether they have put in their best effort or just muddled their way to the end of the season because mom and dad paid the activity fee.
So, today’s mom who gave in to little girls every whim threatened to leave the park area if her little angel didn’t stop whining and go play. She threatened a few times. But, mom never followed through and left. Do you want to know why? Mom was having a grand old time talking and didn’t want her own fun to be spoiled. Because had she followed through with one of her many threats it would have meant she herself would have had to leave. Why punish herself for her child’s misbehavior?
I will no longer have any problem saying no to my children. And when they ask why and try and negotiate I can give the answer because I am your mother and I will not feel the need to explain myself any further. I do not owe them an explanation or a justification for my actions.
My mother told me this years ago and I now really do understand the moral here. This is my favorite example of why we should be okay saying no… (Thanks mom!)
You are drinking a coke and your child comes up to you and asks for some and you know you do not want your child to have the soda. You say no. But eventually you give in and anyway one sip won’t kill them. Again, I am guilty of this, but after begging or asking repeatedly you give in – it happens. So now your child comes up to you but that coke has some rum in it? Would you still eventually give in? Why not? You may understand the difference between why one time is ok to give in but the other isn’t, but your child doesn’t. Once you’ve set a precedent for giving in to demands, kids then think all “no” answers are negotiable. If no never really means no, or it only does when we feel like enforcing it, then there is always room to get around the rules and get what they want.
I am not trying to judge other parents or their parenting skills. But, I am concerned that these children will one day be adults and when they have to be functioning members of society they will lack the basic skills that make societies work for example how to follow a basic set of rules, or how to treat others with kindess and respect. I am always learning from those around me how to be a better parent. Today’s lesson was a reminder of there is nothing wrong with saying no to my kids and I do not need a reason or an explanation. No means no!