Little did I know that title of that blog and that song Carry On would mean so much more to me this year. Unfortunately, the day after last years marathon was when Jody had his heart attack. I didn’t even have time to feel the stiffness in my legs the next morning because when I woke up Jody was having chest pains and I had to rush him to the hospital. From that moment on I was hanging on for dear life. The marathon became a distant memory because we were dealing with issues of life and death.
In those next two weeks while Jody was in the hospital I would drive back and forth between there and home to see the kids. It was an 18 minute drive. In the car when I wasn’t calling relatives to fill them in on how Jody was doing I would crank up Carry On again and again. When I would hear this song the tears come because my whole world had been turned upside down and I didn’t know how the hell I was supposed to carry on. I’ve never been so overwhelmed and overcome with so much anger and sadness. At home I had to put on my brave face for Jaden and Jaime. In the hospital I had a slew of doctors, nurses and a million others streaming in and out of the room - who had time to think? My usual rock, the one person I had leaned on for over 20 years was lying there in a hospital bed with no clue what was happening to him. But there in that car what I was feeling was in that song... “When you’re lost and alone, or sinking like a stone…”
We all have those dark moments. I know I’m not the only one to have been there. But, when you are in it and you don’t know what is going to happen from one minute to the next it is hard to believe you can survive. When you are in it it feels like there is no way you can turn things around. It feels like things will never be the same again. The uncertainty kills you. Your reality has changed forever. How do you go on?
But somehow we make it through. People are resilient and can rebuild their lives all over again and become bigger and better than they were before. You learn from your mistakes and make the necessary changes. You vow to never let that happen again. I am on my way to that. Having to pick myself up and dust myself off after this was no easy task.
When I picked the song Carry On for my blog title last year I picked it because it was inspiring and I was hoping it would help bring me across the finish line, which it did. But, it no longer means just finishing the race. Today it means so much more than that. “May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground…” means don’t stop and give up because although it seems far away, one day you will look back on this moment and you will be able to see how far you have come. “In our darkest days, when we are miles away, sun will come and we’ll find our way home…” The sun does always come out – eventually. “Nothing’s ever gonna stop us now” speaks for itself. When I hear that song now I go right back to when I was driving back and forth to the hospital. It still brings tears to my eyes.
So now, here I am exactly one year later and I have the luxury of looking back and seeing how far Jody and I have come. I am looking back now and I am grateful to have my family back together and to be far from that awful time in our lives. Back then I never thought, much less imagined I would be running the Princess Half Marathon again. But, today I am ready to run it again. This time though I am more prepared. I am stronger than I was a year ago both physically and emotionally. My battle scars are healing nicely. This Sunday when I cross the finish line I will be able to look back and see I really am “invincible”. All I had to do to get here was simply carry on.
Well I woke up to the sound of silence
And cries were cutting like knives in a fist fight .
And I found you with a bottle of wine
Your head in the curtains
And heart like the Fourth of July.
You swore and said,
"We are not,
We are not shining stars."
This I know,
I never said we are.
Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows to know you can never look back.
If you'r e lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.
Carry on, carry on.
So I met up with some friends at the edge of the night
At a bar off 75.
And we talked and talked about how our parents will die,
All our neighbors and wives.
But I like to think I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on.
And it's nice to know when I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets,
I am not the ghost you are to me.
If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.
Whoa!
My head is on fire but my legs are fine.
After all they are mine.
Lay your clothes down on the floor,
Close the door, hold the phone,
Show me how no one’s ever gonna stop us tonight.
' Cause here we are
We are shining stars.
We are invincible.
We are who we are.
On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
Sun will come
We will find our way home.
If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.
-Fun.