I can remember the week before Christmas last year very clearly. Jody and I were really in no mood to celebrate. Our family was dealing with a serious tragedy and neither Jody nor I had much holiday spirit. As a matter of fact, I felt more like just skipping the whole holiday season completely. But, when you have two little kids that is not an option. So we put on our happy faces, decked the halls and pulled together to make sure we kept up the holiday spirit for the kids sake. We reminded ourselves that our kids are little for such a short time so we put away our lack of jolliness and made it special for them.
We muddled through New Years and the kids went back to school and before we knew it February rolled around. I was busy preparing for my half marathon, Jody was on the road a lot for work when suddenly our lives stopped on a dime. The day after I ran the Princess race Jody had a heart attack. As he lay in the hospital and I didn't know if he would live or die I had my kids to deal with back at home. I would come home when I could for an hour or two and put on a happy face and convince them Daddy was fine and would be home when he could. All the while I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry because I didn't even know if that was the truth but I had to be brave for the kids but I was a crumpled mess inside.
Jody did come home from the hospital 12 days later but the chaos was not over yet. There were more doctors visits, hospital stays and more operations. Time and time again we had to leave the kids for a night or two or sometimes a week while the doctors fixed Jody up slowly bringing him back to some version of normal. Each time we had to leave the kids it did not get any easier but we would hug them and kiss them and tell them we would will be home soon. I'd leave to go sit in one hospital waiting room or another holding my breath until the doctor would come out to tell me that your Jody was okay. The kids never saw that part, just the smiles and see you soon hugs and kisses.
And now once again Christmas has rolled around and honestly all I have been waiting for is for 2013 to come to an end. I wasn't in the mood for that chaos to start. Other mom's can relate to what it takes to pull off Christmas for your kids. There is planning and organizing, shopping, cooking, and letters to Santa and then the responses from Santa that even on the best of years can be a challenge, but this year it was a hurdle so high I almost let it go by. But, I couldn't let them down. So now the shopping has been done and the wrapping is finished. The cookies are baked and the stockings are stuffed. Actually, now that it is almost here I am glad that I have Jaden and Jaime and that I am forced to continue on with life as though all is exactly the same as it was for the last 10 years. Maybe as Jody and I struggle to get back to our old lives or adjust to this new state of normal... maybe it is good that we are forced to keep up the same traditions and pull off the Christmas they deserve because for a moment Jody and I can sit back and watch them enjoy it and we can revel in their childhood innocence. But, I think this will be where my joy lies this Christmas... In that moment on Christmas morning when Jody and I hear the kids sneaking out of bed before the sun has even come up and seeing their excitement when they see what Santa has left for them, spending the day in our pajamas, eating the messy and overly decorated Christmas cookies the kids baked, watching the Christmas parade and just spending our day as a family, all four of us. And, as much as we do so much of this for them... it really is the best gift that we as their parents can get. Their biggest gift this year is having their dad here with them this Christmas. And I just hope that our family will continue to find better days in the year ahead.
Merry Christmas everyone and a happy new year!
And you ask me what I want this year
And I'll try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.
Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in string
Or designer love or empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find
Better days.
-Goo Goo Dolls