M father married my mother and had me. As you already know my mom was hospitalized and I went on to live with my grandparents for a few years until he got remarried to my stepmother. I moved in with the newly married couple when I was 5 years old.
Things did not go well between me and my stepmother. At this point she had not had any children of her own and was handed a five year old to raise. My father was off to work everyday so I spent a lot of time with my stepmother. Maybe I wasn’t the easiest five year old to deal with, but I am guessing from her actions that she wasn’t really ready to be a mother at that point in her life. Imagine "Mommy Dearest" meets "Cinderella". When my father was home he just stayed out of the crossfire as much as he could.
This is where the problem lies. I can see how things were different back in the 70’s and the mother raised the children while the father went off to work everyday. It was a lot different than it is nowadays where father's are a lot more involved in their children’s lives. For the 8 years I spent living with them there were a lot of times where I needed my father to come to my defense against my stepmother. I needed to know that at least he was on my side, but he never did that.
My relationship with my stepmother was mayhem and it had a very big affect on me when I got older. When I was in my twenties I sat down with my father to talk about what I was going through and the baggage I was carrying because of that chaotic relationship. I wanted to tell him how my relationship with her had really had an impact on me and I was working very hard to overcome a lot of the emotional damage that had been done. He very sweetly said he understood and said that he was really sorry that he stood by and let her treat me the way she did. He said he also wished he had done more to help me and protect me from her. I felt better knowing that at least he understood. And, even though it was so many years later, he apologized.
The next day I found out that he had gone back to my stepmother and told her everything we had discussed. She denied that had happened between us when I was younger and a heated argument ensued. I turned to my father hoping he would finally take my side and support me. Once again he took her side! He denied everything he had said to me the day before. He said I was crazy, just like my real mother.
In the years that followed I realized this is just what he does and that he will always take her side over his child when she is in the room. Maybe he is as scared of her as I was as a kid. I can think of no other explanation as to why he wouldn’t protect his own child.
Some people say I should be forgiving and move on now that I am an adult. I do not live with anger toward him anymore that I hold a grudge to the guy who cut me off on US1 the other day. I’ve moved on. In the ranking of people in my life, he barely registers because as the saying goes “anyone can be a father but it takes a real man to be a dad”. He may have been my father, but I really never remember him ever being my dad.
Fathers, be good to your daughters.
Daughters will love like you do.
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too.
- John Mayer
1 day and counting!