As I’ve mentioned I didn’t have a normal childhood. I never really had anyone give me the direction I needed on how girls are supposed to take care of their hair until I was about 13 or 14 years old. I didn’t have a mom who brushed my hair or put bows on me or pig tales. I just managed it on my own. The only guidance I was given about my hair was from my father, who was practically bald with a mad comb over. He looked at me one day and said “a lot of girls brush their hair 100 strokes everyday – try that”. In other words, I wasn’t doing a very good job at brushing my hair, but if I remember correctly I was only about 8 or 9 years old and at that time I couldn’t care less about my hair, much less sit and brush it 100 times a day.
I always wanted straight hair but mine was as wavy as could be. Isn’t that what all girls do? Those of us with curls blew those curls as straight as we could and those of us with straight hair permed it or used curling irons to try and change what came natural. I was determined to get my hair straight. When you have curly, course hair it won’t just fall straight though. It just frizzes up and out to no end it is no picnic trying to tame that beast. From looking back at old pictures I think it was in about second grade my stepmother couldn’t deal with my mess of hair any longer either, so she cut it short. It was so short that my own kids now look at those pictures and laugh at “Mommy’s afro”. When your hair is curly it grows up and out, not down.
I’ve spent many, many years battling with my hair. I’ve done the same thing with my weight, how I look, how I talk, everything about myself. I am overly critical about my looks. Now as am reaching 40 I am seeing all the time I wasted on all of this garbage. As much as we are all taught that it is what’s on the inside that counts, society doesn’t follow that rule. Pretty people are praised, not so pretty are critiqued. And, while I’ll never look like what I would ideally like to there does come a point where you realize it isn’t worth wasting that much time on it anymore. One day you just have to wake up and say this is what getting older is about; wrinkles, saggy skin, sunspots and all. I hope to teach Jaime that taking care of herself is good thing but being a good person is what life is all about. That is what you should spend your time worrying about and working on.
It was in my first year of community college when I gave up on the idea of trying to straighten my hair. I tried and tried and it just wouldn't work, so I decided to just go with the curls and see how that worked. With a little gel and a lot less work I finally found a hairdo that fit me. All that time I had been spending trying to make my hair something it wasn't and I finally realized I just needed to let my hair be natural. It was a whole new look me and a big relief because I was finally happy with my hair.
But, unfortunately, as I am getting older, I’m losing more and more of my hair because of a thyroid problem. I’ve been steadily losing it since high school. I do what I have to for now, knowing full well one day I will have to deal with being practically bald. But, I’m trying to remember as India.Arie says “I am not my hair – I am the soul that lives within”. When I think of all of the time I wasted worrying about my hair and all that stupid stuff I really wish I had put that time into more important things, because as I know now the hair still falls out and the wrinkles still come anyway and all the worrying in the world won’t stop it.
Oh, don’t get me wrong I still put on my makeup and put in the effort, but I am stopping the obsession. There just comes a point where you realize that even the prettiest people’s looks will fade, so there better be something else that makes you - well you! I work out now because I want to be healthy and live a long time so I can see my kids grow up get married and have kids of their own. I do my hair because I feel better about myself when I do. I'm not just going to let myself go, but I guess it took almost 40 years to see that the battle is one we can never truly win. I am now ready to move on.
Jody has told me we should both just shave our heads. Think about how much money we’d save in shampoo and hair gel. I’m not ready for that step yet. But, just the fact that he has even offered to do that with me -for me - reminds me that he loves me not for what I look like. More importantly this reminds me of why I love him. Maybe I’ll take him up on that offer someday. We will talk about it later, maybe when I turn sixty.
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no no
I am not my hair
I ma not this skin
I am a soul that lives within.
- India.Arie
18 days and counting!