Over the past twenty years I had made a few attempts at finding out what happened to my mother, my birth mother. As you may remember I had not seen my birth mother since I was about 1-2 years old. She had been hospitalized with either schizophrenia or some other sort of bipolar disorder when I was a baby and I never saw or heard from her again. I never really knew much about her but when I got to be an adult I realized I did want to know more.
My first real attempt at finding my birth mother came back in the early 1990’s. I had spent some time dealing with depression myself back then and I always had a fear of going to a doctor for help with it because I was so afraid of becoming like my mother. It took years for me to see a psychologist, but once I did and I overcame the fear I realized I was a lot stronger of a person than I had realized. Once I knew I would not be hospitalized and that I just needed some help I thought maybe it was time I found out what really had happened to my mother.
I started my search in my twenties. The first thing I had found out was that if you were looking for someone you could forward a letter to anyone through the Social Security Administration. All you need is the person's date and place of birth, their father's name, and their mother's full birth name. So, I decided to send a letter to the only two people on my maternal side of the family I knew of. I sent the letters to my mother and my mother’s sister hoping to get some information about where she was and how she was doing. I never heard back from either of them, so I let it go for a while.
A few years later, as finding people on the internet became easier I came across some information about my mother and her sister through an online missing person website. I found out that my mother’s sister was living not far from me in Florida. I also found out that the last known address for my mother was a hospital in New York. I now knew I had found my aunt because I was able to trace her back to the same address that my mother came from in New York before she had been hospitalized. I had no doubt the woman I found in Florida was her.
Again, I made an attempt and I wrote a letter to my mother’s sister. I really just wanted to get more information on my mother and if I found a new aunt along the way it would have been a bonus. This time when I did not hear back from her I knew for sure this was a very clear sign that she did not want to talk with me or start a relationship with me. I imagine after 30 years of not seeing or speaking to someone it might have been strange, so I do not blame her. I had to at least try though. So after that I left her alone.
A few years ago, in about 2006, I got on ancestry.com and started looking up information about my family. As I was plugging in names I decided to give my mother’s name a try again and see what came up. When I plugged in my mother’s information I was surprised to find her death certificate. I was able to see that my mother had died in the same hospital she had been in for the majority of her life. She had died back in 2002, the same year Jaden was born. I was able to order a copy of the death certificate. It was really sad when I got it because that peice of paper was kind of an end to the story. Unfortunately, It wasn’t the ending I had been looking for.
It still makes me sad to think that she died after so many years of being in that hospital. Had I pursued the situation a little more maybe I could have at least gotten in to see her once. Or, maybe they would have turned me away, but I wish I had tried. I still wonder if she was there all alone. Her parents died years ago, but did her sister ever visit her? Was she even in a state of mind to have visitors? I guess I will never know.
I really do not have a lot of regrets in life, but I do regret not having searched harder and pursued the leads I had on my mother is the one thing I really wish I had done. Time doesn’t stand still and I learned that if you put things off for too long, by the time you are ready, it may be too late.
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe.
Oh breathe, just breathe.
-Anna Nalick
4 days and counting!